Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why girls like assholes (in my opinion based on observations and personal experience with said assholes)

First off what is the definition of an asshole?

I believe that an asshole is someone that is self-centered mainly. Someone that is in it for themselves and disregards other people's feelings purposely to make sure they benefit out whatever they are investing their time in. I won't name any names, but I've had my fair share of assholes. at first they are appealing, they're rebellious, they're tough, they don't care about what people think of them. That's what first attracted me anyways. I'm an independent person and boys that are clingy bother me to no end so the independence part was definitely attractive to me.

Another thing that I think girls like about assholes is that its a challenge, something for them to conquer. its easy enough to get a sweet boy to be your boyfriend, but an asshole, that's an accomplishment in a twisted way. also, girls loving thinking they can take a jerk and change him into a completely different person, mold him into the standards and expectations they hold for the perfect boyfriend.

In my experience it doesn't work that way. People only change if they want to. You can threaten someone, you can beg them but no matter what people will not change unless they want to.this does not relate specifically to boys but rather people as a whole. Also girls are attracted to asshole because they are tough and tend to be more masculine and forward. One can only take so many painfully shy boys before one starts to tire of making the first move always. At least I did.

After awhile though you realize that the masculinity you thought was so attractive is actually terrible. They hate discussing their feelings, they refuse to open up and let's be honest most girls like to have heart to hearts with the person they are fating to feel more connected and intimate. I hope I'm not stereotyping, obviously there are exceptions to everything but as a whole this is what I believe from my experiences with various assholes and my observations of other girls dealing with assholes.

You start to realize that the asshole is really in this relationship or hookup deal or fuck buddy situation for his own benefit. he doesn't really care about you, and if you think he does its most likely a facade so he can get what he wants from you before tossing you aside like a used toy. It's a shame too because girls take this personally. They think there is something wrong with them that the asshole just threw them aside. I know I did in the beginning, and then I realized that its just an unfortunate pattern. Assholes lure girls into these seemingly perfect relationships or what have you then use them and damage their self esteem in the process.

However despite all this I believe every girl should have an experience with an asshole. Every girl needs to be hurt in order to learn what to look for and what not to look for in a boyfriend or hookup buddy or what have you. No girl can fully understand the points I am trying to make until they experience firsthand the manipulative patterns of an asshole

Again, this is what I think, just my opinion, I'm not bashing boys I'm bashing assholes. I'm not saying girls are perfect I'm saying girls are victimized by assholes and the charm they use to attract girls. That is all for now. I haven't slept in almost 39 hours. none of this makes sense most likely. i apologize if this is all convoluted or just plain rubbish. at least I can say I tried.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I've recently come to the unfortunate conclusion that most guys are the same. I hope one day one of them will prove me wrong. I'm tired of lies, I'm tired of false promises, I'm tired of being "in love". This is all just bullshit. I wonder if love really even exists. Based on my life I would have to say no. I feel as if marriage is just great friendship. I would want to marry someone that I could talk to for hours about everything. It would be nice to be sexually attracted to them as well but I would pick conversation over sex any day. Maybe that's because I'm a girl. Or maybe that's because society has gendered us so much into these molds that girls are SUPPOSED to pick conversation over sex and boys are SUPPOSED to want sex more than conversation.

But what about the people who do not fill these roles? We call the girls sluts or the guys gay, why is that? To project our own insecurities on others? Or because society has told us that being different in this sense is just strange? Maybe a little bit of both. Or maybe none at all. I'm just contemplating.

ANYWAYS..the point of this blog was to say that I'm just done. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this on the Internet but honestly I don't give an eff anymore. I won't name any names but I am happy the person that "loved" me likes someone else. he deserves it after being through a hell-ish rollercoaster ride with me. But I'm done trying with boys, it never works out the way I want it to anyways, I'm too obsessive and insecure for boys to like me. I just need to chill out. which is funny because I'm sooo chill with school..too chill in fact I'm practically failing. But yes, I am doing trying to make boys like me..I guess I'll just have to get used to the whole "hey let's makeout and then I'll never talk to you again" sort-of deal. I need to focus more in my blogs this is too all over the place but basically don't lie to me. because I will never ever trust you again. and don't make me promises you can't keep.

Friday, March 26, 2010

My favorite quotes

"Acting is not about dressing up. Acting is about stripping bare. the whole essence of learning lines is to forget them so you can make them sounds like you thought of them that instant."

"Those who do not move do not notice their chains."

"If it takes away the pain, it's alright."

"We cannot have peace among men whose hearts find delight in killing any living creature."

"And it took bites out of her insides, till she was just a hollow shell."

"I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely, the tears would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."

"When things are perfect-that's when you need to worry most."

"I do not like the idea of happiness-it is too momentary. I would say that I was always busy and interested in something. Interest has more meaning than happiness."

"I can break and I can take it with a smile."

"Shine on me baby cause it's rainin in my heart."

"I started out alone and in the end that's where I'll be."

"I laugh out loud my life's a mess, I have gone too far in my lifelessness."

"Love is forever! Yeah well don't believe it. It's something that happens to you like anything else. It starts and then it stops."

"I don't break hearts, I just dent them."

"Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky."

"Women should be two things: classy and fabulous."

"Like the wind on the meadow, I'm bound to move on."

"Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got."

"Life is not a book. You can't just set it down on the coffee table and walk away from it when it gets boring or you get tired."

"Miz Vivi is in love with you one day and drop you like a hot potato the next."

"My eyes destroy you. I have this condition called monster eyes. I find something not to like and it becomes enormous, it becomes the whole world. So, he continued 'sometimes I think the kindest thing I can do for a person is to keep them out of range of those eyes like keeping a wolf out of moonlight."

"Pour love on the broken places"

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong, maybe something about how stupid my whole life is."

"I have this palpable absolute sense that I'm cracking up, that there's really no good reason why-and that-even worse-there's nothing I can do about it. And the thing that's really bugging me, as I lie curled up,is that the scene I'm enacting reminds me of thing, it reminds me of my whole life."

"use everything if your life to create your art"

"It was like sawdust the unhappiness. It infiltrated everything, everything was a problem. Everything made her cry-school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place."

"Life's fucking tough-you've got to make the most of it."

"I am more trouble than I'm worth."

"Loneliness is a human condition, no one will ever fill that void."

"the grass beneath my feet is hard and cold just like I've come to be."

"Don't expect some guy to save you. Do not sit around thinking that all would be perfect if only you had a boyfriend to catch you pained tears and hold a Kleenex around your nostrils while you blow your nose. Because unfortunately, that is not how it works."

"Live fast, die young."

"A man works all his life in a glass factory, one day he feels like picking up a hammer."

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear."

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates."

"An idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all."

"It's better to keep one's mouth shut and bethought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt."

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

"I don't like standard beauty. There is no beauty without strangeness."

"No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did he would cease to be an artist."

"A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."

"cause if I'm so restless then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul."

"Van Gogh's going crazy, Dylan Thomas is drinking himself to death etc, were just efforts on their behalf to break out of the straight jacket of their own minds."

"I'll leave you to make out with your sock drawer."

"Gnome Kicking says a lot about a man's character."

"Crater face Cutsler went on to marry Clubfoot Cindy...beautiful children."

"and round her house she set such a barricade of barb and check against mutinous weather. as no mere insurgent man could hope to break with curse, fist, threat, or love either."

"I want to sleep with you. Now, tonight, and at any time you may care to call me. I want your naked body, your skin, your mouth, your hands. I want you-like this-not hysterical with desire but coldly and consciously-without dignity and without regrets-I want you-I have no self-respect to bargain with me and divide me-I want you-I want you like an animal, or a cat on a fence, or a whore."

"cause I fall and I break just as easy as an egg, yeah my shell isn't as hard as it seems.

I think I crush on everyone (old note from facebook)

I really think I do. There are so many things I love about so many different people that I think I just am partially in love with most boys. It's actually an issue. because i never know how i really feel about anyone. and it pisses me off. there doesn't seem to be a boy that can fill all of my needs or is exactly what i want. but i never really believed in soul mates. ... i think sometimes you have to give a little, settle a bit because no boy is going to be perfect. I don't know ..maybe I'm just tipsy and tired but that's what I believe. and there are so many boys i always think about and I know I kiss a lot of boys but I'm just tryna figure things out ya know?? I'm not tryna be a slut or hurt anyone that's not my goal. I'm just tryna figure out what I want in life and everything and especially with boys.Because college is a time of discovery and I think I'm discovering what I want. Every boy I know has a little bit of something. Eddie is funny, josh is musically inclined, shawn is artsy, bren is sweet. Why cant I find someone that has all of these things? I think I'm asking too much maybe. that's the problem that I can't be happy with what I have. But I'm not unhappy. and I think that happiness is a fleeting feeling. I'd rather be content. Just perfectly alright with everything and I think that's how I feel now but I believe there is something missing. and I'm just not sure what that is. and I keep searching for something in a boy but maybe that's not it. Maybe what I'm looking for is inside me something that is waiting to be revealed. Or maybe I just haven't found the right boy yet. But I like to think that I have because I am content with the boy I sort of have right now, he's great. really. But the line between good friend and crush is always blurred for me. sometimes I just don't get how people know they like someone...maybe its because i have mental issues that its hard for me to decipher these things but I like to think that I'm not alone in this aspect; that people often get confused and think that their good friends are their crushes and vice versa. I'm such a mess. I'm sorry if you ever liked me. Because I've probably led you on and fucked with you and made it seem like I liked you and then just shot you down. I didn't mean to I just didn't know what I wanted. and when I figured out what I wanted I guess it wasn't you at the time. But I never know what I want and that's the thing. when will I know? How many relationships will I ruin until I get to that point? I can't keep burning bridges and ruining friendships with guys because i have feelings for them. Sometimes you just need to hold your feelings back because you know it's the right thing to do. I don't believe in following your heart all the time. That can lead you down a path of deep despair and pain. I believe more in following your brain or a mix of both. You cant just let feelings take ahold of you and lose yourself in someone. Always remember who you are and where you come from. No matter how much I love someone I will always remain independent and I will always know who I am and what I stand for. Sometimes though, you have to sacrifice things for someone that you love. I know I have before and sometimes it sucks but a lot of the time you realize it's worth it. You realize you didn't really need it anyways; in fact you are better without it. Dependency is a human condition I think. We depend on people, our job, religion. Anything to save us or keep us sane. I don't depend on anyone but myself. people let you down too often, I don't believe there's any actual proof that there is a God and you can lose your job no matter what. You should only depend on yourself because in the end after the shit hits the fan you will be all by yourself. And you will have realized that all that time when you were relying on people to solve your problems and comfort you; you could have done it yourself. I'm just saying. This is a ridiculous rant but I've just had so much feeling lately I feel like it is going to explode out of me..I just needed to say something. and hope that maybe someone out there understand partially or exactly what I mean and knows what to say. but that might be expecting too much; that's another thing. I always expect too much of people. I always have these high expectations and then they let them down. Now I look at things the way Eddie told me to, go into things with low expectations because they turn out so much better than you think they will. I've been doing that recently and I've felt a lot better. Because if you just think things are going to be really bad you wont think they are awful in the end, I don't know. It just makes sense to me. Alright I'm done.