I think I crush on everyone (old note from facebook)

I really think I do. There are so many things I love about so many different people that I think I just am partially in love with most boys. It's actually an issue. because i never know how i really feel about anyone. and it pisses me off. there doesn't seem to be a boy that can fill all of my needs or is exactly what i want. but i never really believed in soul mates. ... i think sometimes you have to give a little, settle a bit because no boy is going to be perfect. I don't know ..maybe I'm just tipsy and tired but that's what I believe. and there are so many boys i always think about and I know I kiss a lot of boys but I'm just tryna figure things out ya know?? I'm not tryna be a slut or hurt anyone that's not my goal. I'm just tryna figure out what I want in life and everything and especially with boys.Because college is a time of discovery and I think I'm discovering what I want. Every boy I know has a little bit of something. Eddie is funny, josh is musically inclined, shawn is artsy, bren is sweet. Why cant I find someone that has all of these things? I think I'm asking too much maybe. that's the problem that I can't be happy with what I have. But I'm not unhappy. and I think that happiness is a fleeting feeling. I'd rather be content. Just perfectly alright with everything and I think that's how I feel now but I believe there is something missing. and I'm just not sure what that is. and I keep searching for something in a boy but maybe that's not it. Maybe what I'm looking for is inside me something that is waiting to be revealed. Or maybe I just haven't found the right boy yet. But I like to think that I have because I am content with the boy I sort of have right now, he's great. really. But the line between good friend and crush is always blurred for me. sometimes I just don't get how people know they like someone...maybe its because i have mental issues that its hard for me to decipher these things but I like to think that I'm not alone in this aspect; that people often get confused and think that their good friends are their crushes and vice versa. I'm such a mess. I'm sorry if you ever liked me. Because I've probably led you on and fucked with you and made it seem like I liked you and then just shot you down. I didn't mean to I just didn't know what I wanted. and when I figured out what I wanted I guess it wasn't you at the time. But I never know what I want and that's the thing. when will I know? How many relationships will I ruin until I get to that point? I can't keep burning bridges and ruining friendships with guys because i have feelings for them. Sometimes you just need to hold your feelings back because you know it's the right thing to do. I don't believe in following your heart all the time. That can lead you down a path of deep despair and pain. I believe more in following your brain or a mix of both. You cant just let feelings take ahold of you and lose yourself in someone. Always remember who you are and where you come from. No matter how much I love someone I will always remain independent and I will always know who I am and what I stand for. Sometimes though, you have to sacrifice things for someone that you love. I know I have before and sometimes it sucks but a lot of the time you realize it's worth it. You realize you didn't really need it anyways; in fact you are better without it. Dependency is a human condition I think. We depend on people, our job, religion. Anything to save us or keep us sane. I don't depend on anyone but myself. people let you down too often, I don't believe there's any actual proof that there is a God and you can lose your job no matter what. You should only depend on yourself because in the end after the shit hits the fan you will be all by yourself. And you will have realized that all that time when you were relying on people to solve your problems and comfort you; you could have done it yourself. I'm just saying. This is a ridiculous rant but I've just had so much feeling lately I feel like it is going to explode out of me..I just needed to say something. and hope that maybe someone out there understand partially or exactly what I mean and knows what to say. but that might be expecting too much; that's another thing. I always expect too much of people. I always have these high expectations and then they let them down. Now I look at things the way Eddie told me to, go into things with low expectations because they turn out so much better than you think they will. I've been doing that recently and I've felt a lot better. Because if you just think things are going to be really bad you wont think they are awful in the end, I don't know. It just makes sense to me. Alright I'm done.